anxiety and stuff

You’d think that I would have learned, but I haven’t.

I allowed anxiety to creep back into my thoughts and I convinced myself that I have nothing to add or bring to the table. I convinced myself that I have no business being vocal or vulnerable or any of it.

About life, and marriage and being a mom and being a Christian woman (whatever that’s supposed to look like, by the way).

Actually? Let’s talk about that one for a minute.

I passionately love Jesus, let’s put that out there right from the get-go. But I also love makeup and white wine and playing blackjack for hours on end in Las Vegas. I love rescuing animals and I love sitting outside and breathing in the smell of donkey manure.

Come at me, bro.

I love tattoos and watching “the Bachelor” (how is it even a show?! No one even knows, but I adore it.)

I love talking about nonsense, but I love talking about all the feelings and emotions even more. Let’s go deep, puh-LEASE!!! I crave the heart to hearts and the raw and the real, and please Dear God, if we’re having a conversation and you feel like crying, DO IT. I cry approximately 97 times a day.

I think so many people put labels on what it looks like to be a “good Christian woman”. And by golly, if you don’t fit into a certain mold, then watch out. You’re going to be ostracized and if you’re in the public eye enough then people will go to the lengths of writing articles about why no one should listen to you anymore.

**yikes**

We’re so busy throwing stones at one another and finding the specks in our sisters’ eyes that we aren’t seeing the logs in our own.

Heaven help us.

Instead of throwing rocks, can we throw some more grace out there, please? Grace… You know. That thing that Jesus was all about?

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

Moral of the story: I have tattoos, I drink wine and I also care very much about the Kingdom of God. And I can do all those things simultaneously. **shock!**

(Somewhere out there a woman just raised her cocktail and shouted “AMEN!”)

Back to my anxiety. The best way I’ve found to push through it is to write about it, so here we are.

I decided (subconsciously) to stop blogging a while back. Being so vulnerable was taking a toll on me. I was getting some great positive feedback about how much my being honest and real was helping others.

Meanwhile, the Enemy was telling me things like this:

“You are such a failure. You suck at writing and your blog is meaningless. Hang it up.”

“You’re so self-centered. Get over yourself.”

“You’re a bad mom. Look at all the things you’re blogging about. You realize you aren’t equipped to raise these two boys, right? They’d be better off without you.”

“You really think you could ever write a BOOK?! No one would read it. Stop wasting your time.”

These were the lies. And yes, they were LIES.

Here’s the truth:

God gave me a longing to use a passion and a gift. He gave me the DESIRE to write, and not to do so would be outright disobedient to what I feel called to do. What is it for you? What do you feel called to do that you’re ignoring? Being a Christian doesn’t mean we have to live a boring life. Very much the opposite! God wants us to engage in life and take risks and follow Him, even when things seem impossible or far-fetched. Those are the moments when He gets to shine through us and make things happen.

I’m not a bad mom. I’m a normal mom. Yes, I post edited pictures of my boys being adorable. Because they are. They are handsome and funny and quirky and a gift and blessing to me. They are also crazy and busy and if Bob jumps off the KITCHEN TABLE when I’m across the room one more time I may have a stroke. Every time Frank looks at me, slaps me in the face and shouts “NO, MOMMY!” I want to shrivel up and scream. And other moms need to read my stories about those times because so many of you have reached out to me and TOLD me this! Mamas, we need each other! We need to be in community with one another and leaning on one another. We can’t go through this life alone.

The world needs more real and raw. Yes, I am a follower of Jesus, but YES I am a human being who fails over and over and over and needs grace upon grace upon grace. Can’t we extend that grace to others? Why is this so hard for us? I’m including myself in this. Sometimes I’d like to smack myself upside the head and tell myself to stop being a hypocrite and just LOVE. THE. PEOPLE.

I’m back for real this time. I’m pushing through the feelings of inadequacy. I’m pushing through the Enemy’s lies and I’m just going to follow what I feel God is calling me to in this time and place. Hopefully you’re here with me and we can struggle well together.

So from me… One flawed sister in need of grace to you… Whoever you are: Cheers.