Some days it’s easy to jump right out of bed, ready to tackle the world!! Everything is a win and I’m on top of my game.
And then there are other mornings where I’m in the kitchen and spill coffee right down the front of my shirt, but I shrug and say, “I’m not changing this. Let’s roll, boys.”
So off we rolled, stained shirt loud and proud. (Fast forward to my lunch date when my girlfriend looked at me and goes, “by the way, do you know you have coffee on your shirt?”)
I have zero shame. None at all. I was wearing this outfit come Hell or high water. Or coffee that dribbled down my face.
My phrase for this year was “here for the ride…. and the wine”. I was here for a ride, that’s for sure. Not one I foresaw, by any means.
In the last 12 months I have switched positions at my job, which involved moving to a new location and team, am about to run my SECOND half marathon, have discovered the Enneagram (sweet Lord almighty), and have had a complete and full relapse back into a pit of anxiety, spiraling into depression.
It’s been several months of questioning everything about myself. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed and there were many a night where after I put my boys to bed, I just laid on the couch for 4-5 hours watching mindless TV and allowing my thoughts to consume me before falling into bed to sleep.
I’m not one to stay stuck, though. Once I name it and claim it I MUST do something about it. I found that exercise is a game changer for me. Whether it’s running or a workout with a trainer, the endorphins release and I’m #goodtogo for the next 24 hours. I’ve also been doing quite a bit of reading, and Rebekah Lyons’ book has been another pivotal move for me.
**Please note that this is a picture of Rebekah re-posting my Insta-story. (Insert: hair toss, check my nails here).
Solid people and of course, my faith have also helped continue to push me through this obnoxious funk as well.
Months of all this soul searching has taught me the thing I really already knew: we are all on a journey. We won’t reach our destination until the end of our lives, and throughout those lives we will take leaps forward, get lost and have to backtrack, take some detours, get in some wrecks and also have days of smooth sailing. Such is life, man.
All this to say, we can always count on life to surprise us.
I thought I couldn’t write because I had zero answers. My head was a mess. It still is some days. But I think that’s actually the best place from which to write. A place of learning and growth. Rebekah’s book has been underlined, highlighted and has “YASSSSS!!!!” written all over the margins of it. Because I’m a deep thinker like that 🙂
Here’s the bit that made me go, “oh shoot.” (I didn’t say shoot).
Part of the reason I didn’t want to write is because I had not one little clue what I’d talk about. But part of getting unstuck is to keep moving forward. So I guess that’s what this is right here. Moving forward. It’s a short one today, but at least it’s something. I’m not lying on the couch watching 15 episodes of Friends to avoid doing something I’m passionate about and quite honestly feel a calling towards.
My friend Michael preached last week and said this in his closing prayer, “we have an Enemy and he knows us by our name, but calls us by our sin.” I’ve been listening to the Enemy for far too long now. I’ve allowed the whispers of not being enough to overwhelm me. I’ve drowned in my thoughts that tell me I’m just too much for people and that I’m a waste of people’s time.
All lies. Complete and total lies.
Every morning I speak 3 truths over my boys. I insert their names into the mantra. Then Frank says those 3 phrases back to me, and hearing them from my little 4-year old’s voice is like hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit:
Mommy is a child of God. Jesus loves mommy. Mommy was created with a purpose.
Thank you, Frank. I’ll be sure to remember that.
And my prayer is that whoever you are, you’ll remember it too.
It’s good to be back, friends.
3 thoughts on “Long breaks and all the change.”
Great to have you back! Your vulnerability and sharing your heart is so refreshing!
I just love you!!!
You are a joy to the world, Stephanie. I know whenever I see you that I will be smiling a lot. And thanks for writing about the hard things. So refreshing. You are an amazing person.