Benched: When God Calls us off the Court.

Hey, hi, hello there…. It’s been a while. I’ve been MIA from the writing game for some time now, but I’m back with something new… A five-post series. This is the product of 4 years of some hard (read: excruciating at times), but incredibly freeing, beautiful lessons God has taught me. There are far too many directions this took for one or even two posts, so we’ll journey a bit longer together.

Warning: my life is full-on sports, hence the title of this series. I’ve learned an abundance of lessons from the world of Youth Sports. God help us. What a weird subculture. There is some straight up crazy out there, trust me. But I digress. Just put a pin in that and stay tuned for Post 5. Yowza. But look how cute our little sports-crazed family is. And can we all take a moment to notice Frank’s baby rapper chain? You can expect the release of his new single, “Straight ballin’ in the Mills, bruh” any day now.

God has had to do some major work in my heart over these last several years. Bless Him, He’s had to work overtime on me. I suppose you could say that I forced His Hand. When we sign up to follow Jesus and we truly value our relationship with Him, at some point we have to put our money where our mouth is. He begins to transform us. Sanctify us. He loves us too much to leave us the way we are. And what my heart and mind needed was an absolute overhaul.

So buckle up: there will be no sugar coating. There’s enough of that out there. The lessons I’ve been learning are too good and beautiful to keep to myself. They’re also too important to overly-sanitize before sharing. This has been one of the most difficult and painful seasons I’ve journeyed through.

So what was this “Big struggle”, you ask? Ugh, I hate to even say it….. Pride.

I had no idea I had been sliding down such a slippery slope for so long and once I found myself at the bottom, I kept questioning: How did I get here? One thought was that quite frankly, our culture celebrates arrogance. We value pride and self-focus to the point of vanity and self-obsession, all while masking it by saying we’re just “being confident” or slapping the slogan “you do you” on top of it. And don’t even get me started on vanity. We care deeply about our happiness, our goals, our comfort, our looks, OUR everything. May I go out on a limb and sound a little harsh? We have become a society of narcissists. Yes, I said it, I mean it and I refuse to take it back. Furthermore, I truly believe we’ve become blinded by it.

It’s been a long, hard road to break the strongholds of pride in my life and now that I’m a little further into this journey (I’m not delusional enough to think I have this all figured out… Trust me, I have far to go!!), I can honestly say with all the painful pruning that God has brought so much fruit and growth. I see the insane amount of beauty as I look back and am beyond grateful that God has used the “bench” to teach me how to be more like Him.

What do I mean by the “bench”? I’ll get into that more in the weeks to come, but here’s a condensed version of what I’m referencing: before I made the transition to being a stay-at-home mom, I was working and writing a ton. People sought me out for help and asked me questions. They wanted me to impart wisdom and help them with their problems. This blog had really taken off and was gaining popularity. I was “on the court”, so to speak. I was important. I had an “audience”. I was making moves and contributing to my little corner of the world. But then the Holy Coach called me to the sidelines and sat me down. Not because He was mad at me or wanted to scream in my face about all the things I’d done wrong, but because I had become a ball hog and needed some wisdom and guidance. I would now be of the most value to my team from the sidelines.

God brought me home. I can’t really describe it other than I felt deeply unsettled with how things were going (even though it seemed like I had everything I should want and need). I felt as if I didn’t listen to this clear prompting, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. I had never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but here I was, doing just that. Then……. COVID happened. Womp womp. I was home bound. I sensed that God was asking me to stop writing and start listening to and learning from Him.

I went from tons of people caring about what I had to say, to 2 toddlers who didn’t give a crap about what I had to say. I was called to the bench to be served up some humble pie. Or going with the sports metaphor, maybe drink some humble Gatorade?

Spoiler alert: I have learned to LOVE the bench and the lessons I’m learning here. I actually like cheering from the bench more than being the starting point guard. I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but now I cannot imagine if I hadn’t followed this call. My 2 person audience? Kind of spectacular. My kids are HILARIOUS. Like, make-me-pee-my-pants hilarious. They’re smart, insightful, kind, compassionate and absolutely glorious. The best co-workers I’ve ever had. (But let’s also be real. They’re kids and sometimes there are moments when I want to lock myself in a panic room, but those are much fewer these days.) These last few years I didn’t know if I’d ever get back to writing, but recently God has been telling me I really need to share my “bench wisdom”. So here we are. I can’t wait to continue over the next several weeks to pass along a few of the things I’ve been taught.

Also, just a quick word of caution. Before I go there please trust me that I know I have “foot in mouth” disease. I’ve had to apologize MANY times for the dumb, stupid and insensitive things I’ve said. So I’m not pointing fingers, I’m just throwing this out there, if you’re like me and maybe you need a reminder for the LOVE OF GOD to just shut up sometimes.

Several well-meaning friends and acquaintances threw so much shade at me for my choice to leave the life I was living to be a full-time mama, wife and Keeper of the Keys, so to speak. These were the two most common digs:

“Oh GOSH, I could NEVER be with my kids all the time. Good luck.”

“What are you going to do? Drink lunch-aritas and just hang around?”

To the first response, I wanted to say, “sorry your kids suck, but mine are awesome”, but that felt a little passive aggressive so I just smiled and gave an uncomfortable giggle. What do you even say to that?? Honestly.

To the second, I just smiled, laughed and usually had some equally stupid response like, “Pass the Cuervo!” Because again… How do you respond? Also, just FYI…… Being a stay-at-home mom is FAR FROM lying around day drinking. That’s called a beach vacation. I am busier and more exhausted than ever.

In answer to my curious friends: No, I don’t think I did much day drinking. Maybe a little because it was COVID and we all did things we thought we’d never do. I definitely fell into some unhealthy habits, just like I had when I was working a traditional job. It’s kind of a blur because it was really hard. A lot of days I was in tears because even though my kids were amazing, they were 3 and 5. And like I said, those boys didn’t really give a crap about what I had to say. They just wanted to pee on the walls, jump on the bed, wrestle and have hot wheels races all the live-long day. But I began to learn lessons in patience and how to slow down and put my own needs where they belonged. It’s called sacrifice and our world seems to really hate that concept. We’re willing to sacrifice as long as it’s convenient for us or makes us feel good. (which, by the way, isn’t really sacrifice at all. I believe we’ve missed the whole point.)

Come on. Who WOULDN’T want to hang out with them??

All this to say, if you’re one of those people who asked me those things way back, I’d just like to say this:

• Even though these 4 years were hard….
• Even though, no, I haven’t climbed any corporate ladders (However, I HAVE climbed the occasional ladder at home to dust the fans. But lets be honest, that doesn’t happen too often. The boys and I usually just have competitions throwing stuffed animals up there and that pretty much does the trick)….
• and even though I haven’t gained a following….

I am so much better, full of joy and fulfillment than if I had stayed uncomfortable where I was. And again…. My kids are freaking amazing. So hanging out with them has been a flipping blast. How else would I know way too much about building marble runs, copious amounts of statistics about the NHL (namely the Dallas Stars), be able to identify every country in the world’s flag (Frank may be an actual GENIUS. He holds those flags up to me like flash cards, rolling his eyes when I forget Azerbaijan, calling it Qatar by mistake. “Come ON, bruh. You KNOW this.”), and have gotten a little too obsessed with WWE. (Yes I have suplexed Bob with the skill and grace of John Cena AND can give a People’s Elbow better than the Rock himself). Can I get a Hell yeah? No?

Further more down the rabbit hole but also along these lines, please be in awe and wonder at this Valentine’s box that was masterfully and artfully created by none other than yours truly. I mean, come on…. That masking tape that’s so visible? The block letters that look as if Bob himself wrote them? The rope knots? The jaggedly cut photos from the back of his toy boxes? It’s all just so…. mediocre. Literally toes the line of a Pinterest-fail, but bless him, that smile says it all. Bob declared it “perfection”, and that was that. I hope Rey Mysterio and Roman Reigns themselves would be proud.

Before I go any further, I also want to say that I’m not suggesting everyone should make a drastic life decision or quit their job in order to find true fulfillment. That was my personal journey. Yours may be extremely different. God calls us all uniquely, which is one of the things that is so beautiful about Him. I’m just saying I had a STRONG sense of unease and I knew I couldn’t continue on the path that I was on. He was revealing to me that I needed to do some serious work on myself and He planned to refine me through my cozy little 2-acre homestead and the handful of family around me. However, I am suggesting that maybe we all need to think a little bit before we spout out stupid crap to others.

Wow, what a rabbit trail that turned out to be….. Let’s bring it back!

Maybe you feel the same as me? If you sit down and really examine your heart, you realize that you’re feeling empty and exhausted from the rat race that our culture has set before you. You’re left in constant want: wanting to look younger, feel better, have more, get more likes and views and all the things that we are led to believe are of the utmost importance. I felt all those things. It was all about ME and as embarrassing as this is to admit, I had to step away from the world of narcissistic motherhood.

This may not always be obvious to us, or even others for that matter. I had so many people ask me over the last few years why I wasn’t writing. I would sometimes open up and say something like, “Well, God took it away from me because He’s working on the pride in my life.” I’d get the response, “No way! You’re not arrogant!” That was really sweet and all, but no one knew my heart and my mind. No one saw the internal hissy-fits I threw or heard the entitlement and arrogance of my inner most thoughts. Some of us are really good at putting our best foot forward, but sin works in the dark. We never truly know what others are wrestling with in the deepest recesses of their minds and souls. But for me it was pride, which took the form of self-focus.

At the risk of further ruffling feathers, I’m just going to throw this out there. Like I mentioned earlier, pride masks itself in many forms but one of its most attractive masks is “self-care”.

Hear me out: I’m not saying it’s unhealthy to take care of ourselves. Very much the opposite, actually. It’s important to care for our body, soul and spirit. I wake up extra early every morning to have my Quiet Time and drink my coffee. When someone wakes up to interrupt this sacred hour I inwardly groan. I make time to read books and exercise and cook healthy food. Taking care of ourselves honors the Lord, who has given us minds, bodies and souls to steward. We absolutely need to invest the time and energy to be healthy in every possible way.

BUT…. May I suggest we can take a good thing, like caring for ourselves and turn it into something that is actually devastating? Perhaps what it really comes down to is motivation? I know that when vanity and self are at my core is when it becomes a problem for me. And good gracious, is it ever easy to make ourselves the center. This takes DAILY check-ins (again, I have Quiet Time EVERY morning. I wish I was less human and more perfect, but alas I am not Jesus, so cue the daily Devos). On the flip side of this coin: when serving others and honoring God is at my core, I notice a HUGE heart and attitude difference. When I’m not so concerned about others’ opinions of me, but I’m doing everything out of the motivation of my love for others and to honor God, I sleep better at night. I experience peace and joy in a way I’ve never known. Because it isn’t the Stephanie Story anymore. I’m just an extremely grateful character in a much larger story. As the great Oscar Wilde once said, “The world’s a stage, but the play is badly cast.” The Stephanie Story is a play no one, and I mean no one wants to watch. Not even me: Stephanie.

Where are we going with this? I’m glad you asked! Let’s think of today as the “coffee catch-up” we needed to get to the good, nitty-gritty in the weeks to come. Over the next 4 posts I’d love to take you on a journey with me, full of very personal examples of failures and successes that will hopefully be relatable. Please don’t read this and think I’m preaching this from a pedestal. That’s so gross.

Actually, why don’t you do this: Maybe you could imagine me shouting all of this up to you from a basement. Yeah, that’s a good, strange mental image. Basements scare me. But what scared me even more is getting trapped back in the pride/self-focused/vain mindset.

So please just read this as one imperfect human to another. A woman who is simply taking one step at a time to become more like Jesus. Sometimes I get it right, but more often I get it wrong. We’re all in this together, and if hearing my story can help you become a little more like the Savior, then I will tell it over and over.

So I’ll see you soon as we delve into “What do we do with our seasons on the bench”? Because we all have them. And they are so beautiful if we’ll just look at them with a slight change in perspective and hearts and minds that are open to growing.

So as I bid you adieu…. Cheers! Or maybe not anymore. Perhaps my new sign-off will be “Peace”, because that’s definitely more of the current season in which I’m learning to live…. So here we go…

Until next time,

Peace.